In going through therapy, I have learned to rate my mood in one of two ways. The first is the basic number scale, 0 being the worst day of your life and 10 being the best day. (10 could also mean a manic episode so we don't use that number often) We also use words, and I learning more and more feelings words to accurately describe my emotions. I am learning to go beyond happy, sad, tired, awake to mumbled, rejuvenated, and today's word: stuffed.
Stuffed in this sense does not mean that I have eaten to much, but that I have been stuffing emotions for over two weeks now and I am full. Like a turkey overstuffed on Thanksgiving (ummmm....turkey and stuffing....bad analogy for someone on day eleventy billion of protein shakes). I have been stuffing my insecurities of the surgery, of how much the absence of food is really impacting my day to day life, of the depression that still remains from the hell I have been through the past 6 months. Do you think if I paid the doctor a little extra he could "unstuff" me on Monday when he is in there putting the band on? Band on, emotions out. Yeah right.
So, here is my other way to deep thought for 8::30AM after only getting about 3 hours of sleep last night....I have been using this band as an excuse to not do/deal with things. My therapist and I are on the same wave length where we agree there are just certain topics that are best left to tackle after my surgery. Umm, hello?!?! That's next week. And then what excuse do I have? I don't. Because I am very well aware that a majority of my eating issues come from the fact that I associate stuffing emotions with stuffing my face. I eat so as not to feel. I eat to feel full so that I physically feel sick and don't feel emotional pain. Kinda backwards, huh? I am at least coming to terms with it is what it is....but admit that I am dreading sessions after surgery when it is time to do the real work, the hard work, the "unstuffing work".....
Am I alone on this one? Are there others out there who are also feeling stuffed?
The story of learning to put down my fork after 33 years of being full...
Great topic. I think learning to deal with your emotions is going to take all of us some time. I have seen some blogs where women are still struggling with learning how to feel a year out. I am one of them. I will say that after surgery you MUST deal with your emotions and sometimes your successful, sometimes not. At least I recognize it more and I am trying to understand my body and listen to both my body and my head...this is going to take some ajustment I have ignored my feelings for many years I can't expect to just figure it out over night....good luck on your journey...VERY Exciting stuff around the corner!
ReplyDeleteI am bipolar, and i spend a majority of my time in a manic phase. The good thing there is I am very emotional (overly so) and let it all out then. Only on my occasional drops into depression do I start my stuffing. But....I eat no matter what!! When I am in a manic phase and sleeping only 3 hours at night for three straight months that leaves a WHOLE lot of extra time to stuff my face.
ReplyDeleteI think we all have to face some sort of emotional re-boot with this surgery, if we want to be successful. I applaud you going to therapy, some people feel a stigma about it. I would not be nearly as stable as I am if it weren't for my therapist!!
I admire your progress in this area - I have never done therapy, and from my experience so far, the psych portion of my bariatric program is not really above and beyond. I worry that I will have problems post banding (i'm still waiting for approval) if I figure out why I eat so much, and what I can replace it with. Good luck on your progress!
ReplyDeleteGreat topic and good to your for trying to deal with "why we were overweight" to begin with. We all have junk to work out... just keep at it!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, and am happy to be following you along this journey!