Thursday, May 31, 2012

TTT

1.  I do NOT have a flesh eating bacteria on my hand...PHEW...it's eczema...and you cannot catch that through a computer screen.

2.  I won the battle of the brownie.....I had a rough day yesterday and when I got home from the city, I wanted to eat the whole pan, but instead put on my gym shoes and took it out on an elliptical at the gym....and it felt pretty darn good!

3.  Tomorrow, Abigail will graduate from Preschool and on Tuesday Lilli graduates from Kindergarten and I am crying already.....but don't tell anyone.  Last night I read them a story before bed about how my love for them goes everywhere that they do and I had to stop about eleventy billion times to "cough".....what's gonna happen when they graduate from 8th, high school, college, or, God forbid, get married?

4.  My doctor said my numb finger tips could be from too much typing.  Me?  Spending excessive amounts of time on the computer?  Nooooo......

5.  I have figure out that if I reduce the amount of milk in my protein shakes that I get a really thick consistency and I can try and trick my mind into thinking it's melting ice cream....(I use a LOT of frozen fruit with my shakes)

6.  I am a totally computer nerd and love making Excel spreadsheets...I have our whole summer schedule on an Excel sheet...camps and all...

7.  I bought the CUTEST frog earrings at Target the other day and have been building outfits so I can wear them as much as possible.

8.  Lifehouse's Broken and Laura Story's Blessings are on my iTunes non-stop....followed my Pump Up The Jam and Dance To The Music....got mix it up...

9.  It's raining....and I L.O.V.E. rainy days.   I think I am going to pack my umbrella and still go walk at the Chicago Botanical Gardens...

10.  I feel bad that it is raining because it is Lilli's zoo field trip that the Kindergartners look forward to all year...

11.  I hate following directions...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Welcome to the Gun Show!!!!!

NSV!

So, we have a lawn mower that is older than dirt, and the pull start on that thing fights back like a...like a word that I shouldn't type here but rhymes with witch and itch.

Tonight I had planned to go to the gym...didn't make it this morning after the DirectTV window of service time of 8AM to 12PM, but 3 kids running around the house like looney-toons made that next to impossible, so I decided to just mow our lawn and our neighbors, and that would be good for at least 4000 steps, and well over 30 minutes, but I would have to get Jim to start the darn thing.  He filled it with gas, checked the oil; I put on the gloves like a race-car driver, pulled the squeeze bar do-hickey, and jokingly pulled the yank chain once...

Nothing.  Surprise.

I stretched my arm a little, prepping it.

I pulled again, harder this time.

Shut. The. Front. Door.

It started!

Welcome to the Gun Show, everyone!  Check out these guns!

Maybe this surgery and exercise and taking care of myself thing is really working.  But don't tell anyone that I am admitting to that....

Monday, May 28, 2012

To scale or not to scale



Ok...question of the day....week...month....

To scale, or not to scale?

I know some of you are disciplined enough to only step onto that dreaded piece of equipment once or twice a week, some of us might obsessively hop onto the scale, say, 3-4 times a day.  Maybe.  Perhaps.  And a body goes through a lot of weight changes during the day.  Up two pounds, down a pound a two thirds....enough to make a person mad....

I remember the day in high school gym class, the fat kids gym class, when I weighed in at 200 pounds.  I was horrified.  200 pounds.  And now I would kill to get back to that number.  And that's all that it is.  It's a number.  An abstract representation that I have given value to.  What I need to be looking at is other factors, like my blood pressure (which is a kicking 102/65, thank you) or my cholesterol (which I don't know yet).  I should focus on the comfort I have in my clothes, and moving down in sizes, the ease that I can move around, how it is easier to bend over and tie shoes, how I can go up and down stairs without being winded, how I can run and play tag with the kiddos without pretending to fall so I can take a break from running....

When I started this journey for me it was all about the numbers, and I am realizing that that might have been another one of my "stinkin' thinking' "moments. Does that make sense?  I just don't want to get all caught up in the "Oh, I only lost 1.5 pounds this week when I worked out 5 days out of the week."  I want to say "Holy cow, Megan, you worked out 5 days this week, and for 45 minutes to an hour each time....that's really healthy and you should be proud of yourself!  Your goal for next week should be to do the same and to bump up the resistance .5 on each piece of equipment."

So, with that being said...I am removing the weight loss ticker from the top of my page, and vowing to only weigh in once a week or when I go to the doctor for fills.  I know it will be hard....but what on this journey has been easy?



Eating Greek Yogurt has been easy....that stuff rocks.....



Sunday, May 27, 2012

As promised....

The pictures of my kiddos...as promised...

Austin....he is really showing on his fingers that he is three...but it looks like he is throwing down a sign....


Lilli and Abbi....this is what you get when you have two girls less than a year apart....best friends....



Those who are also on Facebook with me know that I do these progressive pics often....Abbi from birth to now...






And so many years of Miss Lilli



I have to get on Austin's.......the last baby always seems to get skipped...



Top is 2012, bottom is 2009....so 3 years.....just saying...


Ok...enough of my kids....we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.



PS.   They are why I do what I do....so they are kind still on point....















Saturday, May 26, 2012

and....so I missed it...

What...it's Saturday and I missed Ten Things Thursday?  What is this you say?  I should write it on another day?  Ok!

1.  I reached the 15,000 step goal yesterday!  Can I get a woot-woot!  Here is proof!



2.  My weight was actually up 2lbs this morning causing a stream of words the FDC will not allow me to post here.  I know, mind over matter, muscle weighs more than fat, eating nutella is not helping with wieght loss, etc, etc.....really....that I need to give my body a few days to figure out to do wit all this exercise before it starts to drop the weights...

3.  Say cheese!  Today (Saturday morning) we are taking Lilli, Abbi, and Austin for their, 6th,5th, and 3rd birthday pictures (respectively).  That's a workout in itself!  Proofs to be posted later!

4.  I bought a new scale, and I don't like that it's 9 pounds more accurate than the old one, but it matches what the doctor's office says.  How do you do it?  What number do you go by, your home scale or your doctor's office?

5.  The "F" word has slowly and regularly creaped into my vocabulary, and it needs to stop!  Maybe I should try a bar of soap.  Do they still make bars of soap?

6.  My hubby and I are going to Nags Head, NC at the end of July, and we are going for massages together!   He is going to get a back massage, and I am getting a 35 minute foot massage followed by a pedicure!  HEAVEN!

7.  I had "taco in a bowl" last night and it was really good....a little beans, a little meat, a little cheese, a little avacado...makes me feel like I was eating at the level of a 2 year old instead of a 9 month old...moving up in the world!

8.  This week's homework for my therapist included making a new playlist for my nano with some happier music and letting her know why I kept the songs that I did and it was one the best exercises ever.  To sit down and really think about why I was drawn to a song, about what ceratin lyrics really meant to me....it was really cool.  If you are a music person, try it...

9.  I still miss my McDouble.  Every. Day.

10.  I am now officially a size 22/24 and that makes just about everything better.  The End. 


Thursday, May 24, 2012

The Esplanade

"An esplanade is a long, open, level area, usually next to a river or large body of water, where people may walk. The original meaning of esplanade was a large, open, level area outside fortress or city walls to provide clear fields of fire for the fortress' guns. In modern usage the space allows people to walk for recreational purposes; esplanades are often on sea fronts, and allow walking whatever the state of the tide, without having to walk on the beach. Esplanades became popular in Victorian times when it was fashionable to visit seaside resorts. A Promenade, often abbreviated to '(The) Prom', was an area where people - couples and families especially - would go to walk for a while in order to 'be seen' and be considered part of 'society'."  


Thanks, Wikipedia....I feel smarter now...

Today, since I have nothing else to do, I decided to go to the Chicago Botanical Gardens to kill, oh, about three hours of time.  Best three hours of my week.  Hands down.  Walked over 6000 steps.  Took some awesome pictures (see below)  Was attacked by a bird.  Saw a naked man.  Ok, it was a statue, but still.



Back to my Esplanade.  This was a very cool part of the Gardens, and it made sense.  You walk through the CBG's, and all you see is people looking down.  This part asks people to sit on the benches and look up.  Look out.  Enjoy the view.  Relax.  And so I did as I did.  For about 20 minutes.  I popped my earbuds in and just relaxed and it was wonderful and very warm and there was this delightful breeze that was misting the automatic waters making it next to blissful to sit there.  Seriously, thought I was in heaven, and then the bus loads of what I am assuming 6th graders showed up and the peace and quiet was all over.....






Oh...and the diet and stuff....what this blog is suppoed to be about....blech....it's there....maybe there will be better news the next time around.....

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Take that...hated gym of mine



I actually have about 5 title options....so I am going to share them all...

Know what I can do with 6 Chocolate Oreos?
The Machine that almost killed me
The Scale that Lies


Ok...that was three...but I swear that as I was huffing and puffing and blowing that house down away this morning on the elliptical that I had more in my head.

First of...Yea me!  It's my one month Bandaversary!  HAPPY DANCE!  HAPPY DANCE!  And I celebrated with my first trip to the park district fitness center.  And my two of my worst fears came true.

1.  I got on a machine that I really had no clue what I was gonna do with and it kicked my arse after 5, ok 3 minutes.  It was some Precore AMT machine of Death.  I am POSITIVE that it what it was called.

See....Machine of Death....ok...really....this is it...and it turns out my dumbarse was using it wrong and didn't ask anyone for help....

The AMT Adaptive Motion Trainer allows you to  go from short to long strides, walking to running, and climbing to lunging smoothly, easily, and spontaneously. An AMT for your home.

So, I settled with the standard elliptical for 20 minutes and 15 minutes of treadmill.  Not bad for someone who hasn't worked out in eleventy billion years.  Maybe it will make-up for the 6 Chocolate Oreo cookies that might have been consumed in a moment of angst last night.  (might means that I cannot confirm or deny where the cookies went from the container.  It could have been the one-eyed dog).

2.  My second fear that came true.  People talked to me.  Umm....hello.  I have ear-buds in.  Can you not see that?  Do I look like a person who wants to start up a conversation?  I even have a hat on!  Leave me alone.  And it was like a common thing.  Everyone was talking to everyone, whether they knew them or not...about the weather, about the fact they didn't want to come work out, about their jeans being too tight. It was like they were trying to motivate each other!  I know...go ahead and shudder...I did.  Sigh.

I did, however, reach over 6000 steps before 10AM and since my daily goal is 10,000, I am good to go...I have a few errands to run, and then some Revenge to watch...and my Daisy Scout book should be here and then the REAL planning fun for next year starts!  I also need to update my Nano playlist a little more because while I am all about Sarah McLaughlin....something about Building a Mystery while you are on an elliptical just doesn't work...now if I was listening to Building a Mountain....(shout out to my V-Show friends who get that) 

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Crash into me....

(totally stolen from Dave Matthews Band...hope they don't mind)

So, had a question posed to me this week by someone (perhaps my therapist) about what the difference is between having a psychological crash and just being sad.  Good question.  Though provoking question.  Made me really think.  I posed the question to some people (perhaps some people in one of my therapy groups) to see what they had to say, and we came up with some really good answers, so I thought I would share....

The leader...we will call him Master WiseMind...he preferred to call being sad "Feeling Emotion".  Me, not so good at feeling emotion.  Don't like it.  Try not to do it.  Wouldn't be prudent.  And what we deducted from the conversation is that in an attempt to NOT feel the emotion, I obsess over the THOUGHT of the emotion, which in turn, makes me feel worse.  Does that make sense?  So, for example, when I get sad about a situation, instead of just letting myself feel sad, I obsess over the fact that I don't want to feel sad, I listen to music on my Nano to try and match my mood and it ends up taking me to a dark place.  Or, another story that might be more understandable, we put one of our dogs to sleep almost three weeks ago, and instead of allowing myself to feel all the emotions that go along with that, I stuffed it and just kept his leash in my purse so that I, essentially, have kept a part of him with me.  So, it feeds off of itself and creates, basically, tunnel vision where it spirals out of control and I do end up "crashing".

Good thing in talking it out with Master WiseMind....we also talked about what to do to avoid the "crash"... things that seem pretty logical but in the moment might seem pretty illogical... such as reminding yourself that what is going on is temporary and won't last forever, focusing on the good times and the memories, getting outside of yourself by talking to someone else, refusing to wallow in yourself and by not be willful, and if all else fails....watch Marsha Linehan...

 

(this has been edited from it's original version....proving once again it is not always wise to write a blog at 5AM after 3 hours and 58 minutes of sleep).

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

1.  It is 2:52AM and I am posting....guess if that makes me happy or not....

2.  I am in LOVE with cottage cheese again.  It comes and goes in phases...we are on an up-swing right now.

3.  While I get logically that the first 5 weeks after surgery are for healing and not so much for weight loss, I think that I thought somewhere in my illogical mind that I was going to wake up and not be fat anymore...

4.  There are a WHOLE lot a noises in a dark house in the middle of the night.

5.  I JUST found out about BOOBS conference 2012 and am so happy that it is in Chicago AND that it falls on my birthday weekend!  While I won't be staying in a hotel, I will certainly be participating in some of the daytime events with my fellow banding bloggers!

6.  For those of you who I am not friends with on Facebook.....my husband and I booked an adult only vacation to Nags Head, NC for this summer!  4 days and 3 nights in a hotel on the beach, Oceanview, King room with a balcony....I am so excited!

7.  I finally found another mommy friend to co-run the Daisy Scout troupe next year!  I think we even found a curriculum to follow as well!

8.  My husband bought me a FitBit for Mother's Day and I LOVE it....check it out at www.fitbit.com...

9.  Wet mulch is harder to move than dry mulch....I tried to finish the remulching of the dog run yesterday and only got about half way done before my stomach started to ache and I had to stop....only 3 weeks post-op and those suckers were HEAVY!  But it's looking really nice!

10.  It's amazing how much a little bit of cleaning can make a big difference.  I finally cleaned my hoarders-style desk and I feel so much better sitting her and typing...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It cost what?!?!?!?

Cost of gas to fill car to get to hospital for lap band surgery ~  $60

Cost of a little extra babysitting over two weeks while I recovered ~ $100

Cost of protein powder and vitamins ~ $150

Cost of surgery because I have AWESOME insurance ~ $0

Seriously.  Nothing.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  It was all covered.  From the doctor to the room to the anesthesiologist.

Crazy, I know.

Oh...and Weigh in Wednesday can bite itself....the number on the scale sucked today and I'm not talking about it anymore.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Know what happens when you hide?

When I was a kid I hated playing hide and go seek....I sucked at it.  Probably because I could never stay still long enough, and I was NEVER fast enough to run to "Home Base" before being tagged....and I always seemed to be found right away...

Yet, I continue as an adult to play hide and seek, just with grown-up things...  (get your mind out of the gutter, fellow 50 Shades of Grey readers...)  These past two weeks, I willfully decided to play hide and seek from my issues...and guess what...they found me.  Surprise!

I think that I have made it pretty clear in this blog that I have been struggling with issues more than just the weight, all the psychological shit that goes along with it...not liking oneself, felling inadequate, feeling unworthy of happiness, feeling unaccepted....and lots more...and these past 15 days or so I just didn't want to deal with any of my baggage....I wanted it to go away.  But, and it's a big but, the coping skill that I would normally use to help "hide" from this was not there....it's not like I could drive through McD's and get my special (McDouble and Diet Coke) or make my husband order me a large pizza from Mugs (local pizza place...and as an aside story, every baratric patient gets a bear when they have surgery, I named mine Mugs...the pizza is THAT good).

So, the only other coping skill that I know is to go into shut-down mode....not talking, not blogging, minimal functioning, and the weirdest and probably worst was that I couldn't eat.  Like, the thought of eating made me physically ill.  Lesson I learned from that....your weight will NOT drop faster if you do not eat.  Well, it will for a few days and then it goes into massive shock and it shuts down.  (I can totally hear my stomach swearing at me like nobody's business and then I get visions of that scene from Look Who's Talking where the baby is still in Kirstie's stomach and pulls on the ambilical cord looking for apple juice..)  ANYWAY....

I am slowly crawling out of my pity-party hole and trying to stabilize myself....not doing it alone, I have a great therapist and an awesome doctor.  I know that this is just part of the journey, but someone should have warned me that the speed~bumps were going to be a little rough.   It needs one of those Caution, Rough Crossing signs...


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

NSV!

NSV!!!!

Putting on jeans straights from the dryer and they are already big without having to do the twist-jump-bend-to- stetch-them dance!

Not a fan of the scale this monring....hopefully it's better by tomorrow...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Truth?

The Truth....week 2 SUCKED.

Week 1 was kinda fun...seeing the weight drop so quickly and being all new and all....week 2 was kinda a let down....besides having to by Sweet Ben to sleep (see previous post), this week I just didn't wanna....I didn't wanna have shakes, I didn't wanna be happy about the new journey....I wanted my old coping skills (Diet Coke and McDouble) and I wanted my bed....and I just waned to stay there and read 50 Shades of Grey...(which will be a post in and of itself)...amd as a result I didn't eat the shakes and baby food the way I should have and did not see as big of a weight loss....poopy....

However....I realize that this is just temporary willfulness (Thank you, Brenda)..and as they say....This, too, shall pass...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rest Well, Dear Ben...

I remember the day that we got him very clearly.  We had researched a number of breeders, and looked for a recent litter that had a male pup.  It was a snowy, Saturday morning, and we headed out early as it was a drive.  We went just over the boarder of Indiana into Michigan....like just over the boarder.  It was odd because we were driving down a side street, one second it is an Indiana address and the next is Michigan.  The breeder, highly recommended, had not only Great Pyrenees, but also St. Bernard's, as they make good companions.  The owner was a very heavy set man who remained in his Scooter, and had his sons fetch the two male pups that he had left.  At 8 weeks old, they were already almost 20 pounds and just little balls of fuzz.  We watched the two brothers play, and finally decided on the smaller one, hoping that it meant he would grow a little smaller as well.  He was all white except for a gray mask on his face that the owner assured us would fade over time.  Jim crawled into the back seat with him; I agreed to drive home.  We went back and forth between names, finally settling on Ben.  Big Ben, he would be one day.



We enrolled Ben in puppy classes, more so that we could learn what to do with him than he could learn how to behave!   While he was certainly the biggest puppy in the class, he was far from the most coordinated or fastest.  He quickly made friends with a Bullmastif puppy...and the two were inseparable  So much so, that after about 6 months of having Ben we decided to look at getting a Bullmastif ourselves.  We found a good breeder who was located in Illinois this time, and drive out to her farm in the middle of NOWHERE!  The pups were about 8 weeks old, and we had at least 8 to select from.  I fell in love with this tiny female right away, and we quickly signed the paperwork and brought Mia home and into our lives.  It only took a few hours for Ben and Mia to become quick buddies.....


(Ummm..yes, Ben grew that much in 6 months....CRAZY) 

When Ben was about 4 years old, he stepped in a hole in the back yard and tweaked his knee.  We were told at first to watch it, that it might get better.  But, as it always goes, his knee did not get better on its own...and we were left with a full knee replacement surgery....Holy Cow....didn't we wish then that we had bought the pet insurance.  The doctor told us at that time that a surgery like this meant a shortened life-span.. Great Pyrenees usually get about 12-15 years, we were told if Ben made it to 10 we would be lucky.  
Ben and Moo

Sibling Love

We watched Ben slowly go from our happy-to-bark-at-the-wind dog to our elderly friend who struggled to get up, to walk, to move about the house, to eat, drink......it happened over 4 years time, but it seems like a blink of the eye.  We used to have him groomed at PetSmart every other month, and I remember the last time we took him and they said that they just couldn't do it anymore since he couldn't stand long enough...it was so sad.  We made him as comfortable as we could, added a ramp to the side yard so that he could get outside a little easier, bought extra carpet for our hard wood living room so that he would have a better grip on the floor, tolerated long barking session in the backyard as this was the place that he loved to be the most.  It slowly and painfully became obvious to us that we were holding on the Ben for us, not for him, and that this was no longer fair.

I cried silently the entire ride to the vet's office today.  Jim had to carry Ben's hind quarters as he hobbled into the waiting room, he just didn't have the strength to do it himself.  They placed us in a "quiet room", it was oversized, lots of chairs and a bench, and a big carpet in the middle.  Jim stroked his head and neck; we sat in silence.  What do you really say?  The vet came in and explained what would happen, brought in a blanket that Ben could lay on.  We placed it over the carpet, and I sat next to him on the floor, rubbing his head, telling him it would be alright.  They had trouble finding a vein as he had become dehydrated, and it took 3 needle pricks before they could inset an IV.  We knew the process, we have had 2 cats put down before...but I don't think that there is really anything that prepares you for it....We held him and talked to him until the vet said it was over and left the room....Our sweet Ben, our protector, our fuzzy monster who left us with hair wherever we went.  Jim and I had a running joke from the time that we brought Ben home that wherever we went, a part of Ben went, too, as there was always at least one Ben hair on us somewhere...

Ben was our first baby....our first "we are really in this for the long haul" project....our first learning experience of sleepless nights when there were thunderstorms (he was the biggest baby and always had to come and sleep in our room at the slightest rumble or flash of light)...of "potty training"...of middle of the night ER visits when Ben took Mia's rawhide and was promptly bitten for it....He was a part of the girl's growing up, giving them rides like a little pony...standing in front of the TV at just the wrong time....

The house is very quiet tonight.  Jim and I are rather sullen....the girls are at gymnastics and in the 15 minutes that they were home between school/playground with Becca and changing for class, they didn't notice his absence.  I don't know exactly what I will say to them tonight that will make them understand that he is in a better place, that he doesn't hurt anymore, that while we are sad we can hope that he is running around with Chenna and Moo (or two cats gone before) and barking at squirrels in the trees.  I am sure that it will take awhile for our house to get used to its emptiness, its quietness, its loss of our dear sweet Ben.....