Missing a dear friend...

(Sigh)

I miss my friend, DC.  We used to hang out EVERY DAY.  Sometimes more than one a day.

When I got my band filled last week, DC took off.  Some supportive friend, huh?

I get it, though.  DC thought she would not be helpful for me anymore and might actually hinder my progress.  I had explained my relationship with DC to my surgeon, and even he suggested DC and I part ways.

I know I am going through withdrawal.  When you are SO close to someone and then *POOF* they are gone, it leaves a hole.

I drive by places we used to hang out and am sad.  I think about how involved DC was with my whole family and I am sad.  And to think DC is pretty much gone forever...that makes me sad.

So, here's my ode to you, DC.

You were loved
You were needed
You were there

RIP, Diet Coke.  See you on the flip side...

O M G

There are danish in the break room right now.

My office is next to the break room.

They are calling me.  (Can you hear it?)

I have drunk my protein shake AND eaten Greek yogurt, but the danish are telling me that I am still hungry.

Make it go away!

:)

Just Want Some D*mn Chips!

AHHHH!

The BBQ chips on my kitchen counter are going to be the death of me!  I know that most of you have been there:  you have food in your house that you don't eat but the family does.  And you use your willpower (insert Superman stance here) to stay away from it. 

Then you think, "Maybe I could just have one.  One will give me that taste in my mouth and then I will feel better."

So you have one.

And you think, "Hmmm....I think that one was short on the flavoring.  Maybe I should try just ONE more."

So you have one more.  And then one more.  And then 19 more.

You close the bag, wash your hands (as if licking your fingers would be going too far), and sulk.  You did it again.  Superman powers and all, you cheated on your own willpower.


Sigh....not that this happened or anything (read with sarcasm).  Just a random thought for the day.  ;)

Yogurt, Chicken, or Tuna

The doors are opening....

The world is expanding...

I am up to eating yogurt and chicken or tuna salad!  The choir rejoices!

Seriously...after just liquids...it's so good to put something else in my stomach.  Little bits, and small bites, but so good!

Tonight we try meatballs and pasta sauce!

Loving my Liquids!

So, I am back to the liquid diet phase because I was just filled and the doctor's office has a pretty strict 7 day program after a fill.

Umm...liquid diet kinda sucks.

Not only am I hungry....and I mean I could eat my arm off hungry, I am having some not so pleasant side effects with the fill/liquids.  I am having to relearn the tricks from when I was first banded; drinking slow, stopping before I feel full, spacing my intake.  Because I have quickly learned what happens when I don't.  And when one is at work, has 14 appointments in 7 hours, it's pretty tricky to schedule in emergency bathroom breaks.

But, the upside, I got on the scale today and 5 pounds down already!  Now that's motivation!  Today I can add soft foods; I have a container of cottage cheese that I am dying to dive into, as well as some "tuna in a packet" to take to work in case I get hungry between meals.

What's your go-to soft phase food?  I am looking for some new ideas!

Frighteningly Encouraged

Ok, peeps.  So today was the big day.  The trip back to the surgeon to see if I could get a fill.  And, I must admit, after some sweating palms, fast heartbeats, and tears (more mine than the doctors) everything came out awesome in the end!

Here's a little back story for those who might be new to the blog.

April 2012 ~ Megan gets lap-band!  Hurray!

June 2012 ~ Megan goes in for first check up and has lost about 10 pounds.  While she was hoping for more, the doctor is pleased with the 1-2 pounds a week.

July 2012 ~ Megan stumbles; the reality of lap-band and much more sets in.  She is diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

October 2012 ~ Megan is back on her feet again (somewhat) and goes in for another fill.  Dr. hesitates.  Dr. thinks.  Dr declines to fill Megan because of her depression.  Dr. wants Megan to get depression completely under control before he will fill her.  Megan is sad.

April 2013 ~ Megan has been working with a therapist for a long time now, and they agree to set a goal of June to try and go back to the Dr for a fill.  The months are hard, and Megan stumbles here and there.

July 30, 2013  12:30PM~ Megan's therapist has agreed that it is ok to get a fill.  Megan goes to Dr for blood work and consultation with Dr.  Megan finds out that she has gained back 9 of the 16 pounds that she lost last year, BOO!  Dr. and Megan have a long (read hard) talk about the past year.  Dr. agrees to fill Megan with the condition that she comes back in two months and checks in!  Megan is elated!

July 30, 2013 1:30PM ~ Reality has set in a little for Megan.  She is a little scared.  Megan thinks she fears success, and wonders if she is setting herself up for failure again.  Megan is encouraged that the Dr. thinks that she is good to go, but is frightened at the same time.


Megan is done talking about Megan in the third person.  


So, that's where we are at.  I have been filled to 7CC's, although the Dr wavered at filling me to 8 based on the fluoroscope, he decided to leave it at 7 to start and move up to 8 at the end of September, if needed.  I am on to liquids for a few days, and since I didn't think he would actually do it, I am going to need to do some shopping for liquids, proteins, and soft foods!

Thank you to all who have been so encouraging this past year; it really has meant more than I can say.  I look forward to jumping back into this journey with two feet, and landing on solid ground.

Fine, I did it.

I took a deep breath, picked up the phone, and dialed.  I was nervous.  My heart was beating fast.  The line seemed to ring forever.  They finally answered, "Kane Center for Bariatric Surgery."  I talked fast, anxious to just get the information out before I backed out, chickened out like I have been for the past two months.  The receptionist had a smile in her voice as she asked me to repeat myself.

"I haven't gotten a fill in about 10 months due to some issues, but I think it's time to come back."

"OK, then you will need some bloodwork done, an X-ray to insure the band is still in the right place, and an appointment with the surgeon."

Gulp.  I was hoping to just get an appointment with the physician's assistant so that I could kind of tip-toe back into the process.  But, nope, ain't gonna happen that way.

So, my first appointment back is set for July 30.  At 12:15PM.  This is good, right?  This is good.

It gives me a couple weeks to get back to liquids and soft foods, to come down off my Diet Coke addiction, to get back into the mid-frame that I am doing this not only for myself, but so that I am around a long time for my kids and husband.

So, fine, I will do this.  I will be brave.  I will be strong.  I am sure I will cry and kick and scream, but I will do this.

Right?

What the what?

A lot of people are up in arms about the comments made by Mike Jefferies this week.  This far from attractive man who runs Ambercrombie and Bitch, oops, I mean Fitch, has done exactly what he set out to do: draw attention to his company.  And it has opened the door for a lot of comments and blog posts.  So, of course, I have to jump on the bandwagon. 

I was never the cool kid in high school.  I didn't get invited to the cool kid's parties or the weekends away at people's homes in Wisconsin.  I wasn't a cheerleader, the best actress, the best singer, or any type of athlete.  I was over-weight, kind of a dork, loudly obnoxious.  I was stereo-typed right from the start of freshman year when, at that time, I weighed about 180 pounds (scary that I remember that, but I was in the "fat kids" gym class and was forced into weekly weigh-ins, so that kinda sticks around in the back of your head).  But I did not totally despair.  I got overly involved in all aspects of high school life that I could.  I was a crew member (as in theatre, not the boat), Snowball/Snowflake leader, Editor of the foreign language magazine, speech team, and swim-timer.  I got a job my sophomore year and prided myself on being able to go to school, work, and still have time for the extras.  I made myself comfortable.  I fit in where I could.  I had a great bunch of close friends (HF, LW, and MB, you know who you are).  And, for the most part, I was content.

Flash-forward about 18 years (OMG, class of 1995, we are getting so old!) to me reading a comment like Mr. Jefferies'.  And my heart broke.  I was not personally offended; I am long over shit like stupid people making fun of overweight people.  But my heart broke for all those girls who are in high school right now, already feeling inferior, and having this message drilled into their heads.  I feel for them because I remember what it was like to try and find clothes that didn't make me look like an old lady when all my friends were shopping at "cool" stores and looking good.  I remember the horror of school dances and looking for a dress that wasn't as big as a house (let alone waiting around for some guy to ask me to go, which never ever happened).  I remember all the negativity around weight and the stereo-types that went with it.  And it sucked.

I get that Mr. Jefferies is just trying to get publicity for his company (and perhaps grow his ego a bit).  And I am not faulting him for that.  I think that if I was to be CEO of a company, I would want to get my name out there, too.  But I don't think that I would have done it this way.  I don't think that anyone has a right to raise themselves up at the expense of another group of people.  I don't think it's right to take power that has been earned and use it to belittle others, and, essentially, tell others that they are not as good as the rest of the world.  I think it was poor form.  And I hope his mom is ashamed of him.


I really liked this blog about the issues as well... READ ME!

10 Things Thursday

I haven't done one of these in forever!

1.  Yesterday was 85 degrees, today it is not even 50 degrees.  This is the perfect kind of weather for getting sick!

2.  Don't buy a whole Baker's Square Pie and let it sit in your fridge.  It begs to be eaten...all at once.

3.  Sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the most important.

4.  I started my new job this week!  Only part-time, but it's better than sitting on my duff all day.

5.  Still working to kick the Diet Coke habit.  Ugg...pretty sure they put some addicting stuff in there.

6.  I am in desperate need of a pedicure now that I have seen what my feet look like in flip-flops.

7.  Went to Target this week and for the first time ever left without paying at least $100.  That place is a money pit.

8.  Still addicted to "Law and Order: SVU" on Netflix.  I am now on season 6 and slightly panicked that there are only 12 seasons in total uploaded so far.

9.  I am being encouraged to write a novel.  Any ideas for topics?

10.  I have probably spent at least 2-3 hours this week watching "Friends" bloopers on YouTube.  Hilarious!  Can you believe it's been almost 10 years since that show went off the air?


The End

Walking Buddy

My view....

 

 

Finally!  The weather in the Chicagoland area is BEA-U-TIFUL today!  Mia, my bulmastif, and I went on a nice long walk.  I certainly needed it, after sitting on my arse for days on end watching Law and Order: SVU via Netflix.  Mia certainly needed it; by the end of the walk she was lagging behind me and exhausted.  (She has since reclaimed her position on my bed.)  Baby steps, right?  Day by day....reclaiming my life and working to reach my goals!

After one year

One year ago today I started a journey that I thought would fix all the problems in my life.  (http://bigbottombanded.blogspot.com/2012/04/first-day-of-rest-of-my-life.html)  One year ago today I was sure that when today hit I would be in a better place, a happier place, and that I would be gorgeous.  One year ago today, I set myself up for failure by not realizing that this was going to be harder than I thought.

One year ago today I had lap-band surgery.  For some reason I thought I had it in March, but nope, it was April 23rd.

And, one year from my starting point, I have lost nowhere near the amount of weight that I had hoped to loose.  But there has been much that I have learned.

I have learned that weight loss is truly an up and down journey, and that it does no good to chastise myself when I come up short of my goals.

I have learned that my cravings and desires are not going to change just because I have lap-band.  They are still like little demons that I have to fight every day.

I have learned that Diet Coke is the devil.

I have learned that before I can start taking care of myself physically, there is much that I need to do psychologically. Like many people who have been overweight for most of their lives, I have a lot of built up self-hate and loathing that I need to heal from. Again, just having the lap-band didn't make this all go away over night. It is taking work, lots of work, but I know that with the help and support that I have now, I will get there.

I did some research today...plugged "lap-band failure" into Google to see if there are others, like me, who have not had the success that they thought they would have with lap-band.  There are hundreds of us, message boards devoted to people who have lost less than 50 pounds in a year, stories of other strugglers who have actually still gained weight after having the surgery. 

There is hope, too. 

I have not been getting fills like I should be, mainly because there has been so much else going on in my life that my doctor put them on hold.  But I have a goal.  The middle of June is what I am shooting for to start back on the fills.  That gives me almost two months to "re-prep" my body, to get it accustomed to the foods and liquids like I did before I had the surgery.  It gives me time to psych myself up, just like I did with the two-week pre-op diet.  (Boy, was I hoping that I would never have to go through that again!)

I will not let the negativity of this last year get to me. 

I will start blogging here again for the support and encouragement that I received before.

I will do this.