Saturday, May 19, 2012

Crash into me....

(totally stolen from Dave Matthews Band...hope they don't mind)

So, had a question posed to me this week by someone (perhaps my therapist) about what the difference is between having a psychological crash and just being sad.  Good question.  Though provoking question.  Made me really think.  I posed the question to some people (perhaps some people in one of my therapy groups) to see what they had to say, and we came up with some really good answers, so I thought I would share....

The leader...we will call him Master WiseMind...he preferred to call being sad "Feeling Emotion".  Me, not so good at feeling emotion.  Don't like it.  Try not to do it.  Wouldn't be prudent.  And what we deducted from the conversation is that in an attempt to NOT feel the emotion, I obsess over the THOUGHT of the emotion, which in turn, makes me feel worse.  Does that make sense?  So, for example, when I get sad about a situation, instead of just letting myself feel sad, I obsess over the fact that I don't want to feel sad, I listen to music on my Nano to try and match my mood and it ends up taking me to a dark place.  Or, another story that might be more understandable, we put one of our dogs to sleep almost three weeks ago, and instead of allowing myself to feel all the emotions that go along with that, I stuffed it and just kept his leash in my purse so that I, essentially, have kept a part of him with me.  So, it feeds off of itself and creates, basically, tunnel vision where it spirals out of control and I do end up "crashing".

Good thing in talking it out with Master WiseMind....we also talked about what to do to avoid the "crash"... things that seem pretty logical but in the moment might seem pretty illogical... such as reminding yourself that what is going on is temporary and won't last forever, focusing on the good times and the memories, getting outside of yourself by talking to someone else, refusing to wallow in yourself and by not be willful, and if all else fails....watch Marsha Linehan...

 

(this has been edited from it's original version....proving once again it is not always wise to write a blog at 5AM after 3 hours and 58 minutes of sleep).

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Ten Things Thursday

1.  It is 2:52AM and I am posting....guess if that makes me happy or not....

2.  I am in LOVE with cottage cheese again.  It comes and goes in phases...we are on an up-swing right now.

3.  While I get logically that the first 5 weeks after surgery are for healing and not so much for weight loss, I think that I thought somewhere in my illogical mind that I was going to wake up and not be fat anymore...

4.  There are a WHOLE lot a noises in a dark house in the middle of the night.

5.  I JUST found out about BOOBS conference 2012 and am so happy that it is in Chicago AND that it falls on my birthday weekend!  While I won't be staying in a hotel, I will certainly be participating in some of the daytime events with my fellow banding bloggers!

6.  For those of you who I am not friends with on Facebook.....my husband and I booked an adult only vacation to Nags Head, NC for this summer!  4 days and 3 nights in a hotel on the beach, Oceanview, King room with a balcony....I am so excited!

7.  I finally found another mommy friend to co-run the Daisy Scout troupe next year!  I think we even found a curriculum to follow as well!

8.  My husband bought me a FitBit for Mother's Day and I LOVE it....check it out at www.fitbit.com...

9.  Wet mulch is harder to move than dry mulch....I tried to finish the remulching of the dog run yesterday and only got about half way done before my stomach started to ache and I had to stop....only 3 weeks post-op and those suckers were HEAVY!  But it's looking really nice!

10.  It's amazing how much a little bit of cleaning can make a big difference.  I finally cleaned my hoarders-style desk and I feel so much better sitting her and typing...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It cost what?!?!?!?

Cost of gas to fill car to get to hospital for lap band surgery ~  $60

Cost of a little extra babysitting over two weeks while I recovered ~ $100

Cost of protein powder and vitamins ~ $150

Cost of surgery because I have AWESOME insurance ~ $0

Seriously.  Nothing.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  It was all covered.  From the doctor to the room to the anesthesiologist.

Crazy, I know.

Oh...and Weigh in Wednesday can bite itself....the number on the scale sucked today and I'm not talking about it anymore.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Know what happens when you hide?

When I was a kid I hated playing hide and go seek....I sucked at it.  Probably because I could never stay still long enough, and I was NEVER fast enough to run to "Home Base" before being tagged....and I always seemed to be found right away...

Yet, I continue as an adult to play hide and seek, just with grown-up things...  (get your mind out of the gutter, fellow 50 Shades of Grey readers...)  These past two weeks, I willfully decided to play hide and seek from my issues...and guess what...they found me.  Surprise!

I think that I have made it pretty clear in this blog that I have been struggling with issues more than just the weight, all the psychological shit that goes along with it...not liking oneself, felling inadequate, feeling unworthy of happiness, feeling unaccepted....and lots more...and these past 15 days or so I just didn't want to deal with any of my baggage....I wanted it to go away.  But, and it's a big but, the coping skill that I would normally use to help "hide" from this was not there....it's not like I could drive through McD's and get my special (McDouble and Diet Coke) or make my husband order me a large pizza from Mugs (local pizza place...and as an aside story, every baratric patient gets a bear when they have surgery, I named mine Mugs...the pizza is THAT good).

So, the only other coping skill that I know is to go into shut-down mode....not talking, not blogging, minimal functioning, and the weirdest and probably worst was that I couldn't eat.  Like, the thought of eating made me physically ill.  Lesson I learned from that....your weight will NOT drop faster if you do not eat.  Well, it will for a few days and then it goes into massive shock and it shuts down.  (I can totally hear my stomach swearing at me like nobody's business and then I get visions of that scene from Look Who's Talking where the baby is still in Kirstie's stomach and pulls on the ambilical cord looking for apple juice..)  ANYWAY....

I am slowly crawling out of my pity-party hole and trying to stabilize myself....not doing it alone, I have a great therapist and an awesome doctor.  I know that this is just part of the journey, but someone should have warned me that the speed~bumps were going to be a little rough.   It needs one of those Caution, Rough Crossing signs...


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

NSV!

NSV!!!!

Putting on jeans straights from the dryer and they are already big without having to do the twist-jump-bend-to- stetch-them dance!

Not a fan of the scale this monring....hopefully it's better by tomorrow...

Saturday, May 5, 2012

The Truth?

The Truth....week 2 SUCKED.

Week 1 was kinda fun...seeing the weight drop so quickly and being all new and all....week 2 was kinda a let down....besides having to by Sweet Ben to sleep (see previous post), this week I just didn't wanna....I didn't wanna have shakes, I didn't wanna be happy about the new journey....I wanted my old coping skills (Diet Coke and McDouble) and I wanted my bed....and I just waned to stay there and read 50 Shades of Grey...(which will be a post in and of itself)...amd as a result I didn't eat the shakes and baby food the way I should have and did not see as big of a weight loss....poopy....

However....I realize that this is just temporary willfulness (Thank you, Brenda)..and as they say....This, too, shall pass...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rest Well, Dear Ben...

I remember the day that we got him very clearly.  We had researched a number of breeders, and looked for a recent litter that had a male pup.  It was a snowy, Saturday morning, and we headed out early as it was a drive.  We went just over the boarder of Indiana into Michigan....like just over the boarder.  It was odd because we were driving down a side street, one second it is an Indiana address and the next is Michigan.  The breeder, highly recommended, had not only Great Pyrenees, but also St. Bernard's, as they make good companions.  The owner was a very heavy set man who remained in his Scooter, and had his sons fetch the two male pups that he had left.  At 8 weeks old, they were already almost 20 pounds and just little balls of fuzz.  We watched the two brothers play, and finally decided on the smaller one, hoping that it meant he would grow a little smaller as well.  He was all white except for a gray mask on his face that the owner assured us would fade over time.  Jim crawled into the back seat with him; I agreed to drive home.  We went back and forth between names, finally settling on Ben.  Big Ben, he would be one day.



We enrolled Ben in puppy classes, more so that we could learn what to do with him than he could learn how to behave!   While he was certainly the biggest puppy in the class, he was far from the most coordinated or fastest.  He quickly made friends with a Bullmastif puppy...and the two were inseparable  So much so, that after about 6 months of having Ben we decided to look at getting a Bullmastif ourselves.  We found a good breeder who was located in Illinois this time, and drive out to her farm in the middle of NOWHERE!  The pups were about 8 weeks old, and we had at least 8 to select from.  I fell in love with this tiny female right away, and we quickly signed the paperwork and brought Mia home and into our lives.  It only took a few hours for Ben and Mia to become quick buddies.....


(Ummm..yes, Ben grew that much in 6 months....CRAZY) 

When Ben was about 4 years old, he stepped in a hole in the back yard and tweaked his knee.  We were told at first to watch it, that it might get better.  But, as it always goes, his knee did not get better on its own...and we were left with a full knee replacement surgery....Holy Cow....didn't we wish then that we had bought the pet insurance.  The doctor told us at that time that a surgery like this meant a shortened life-span.. Great Pyrenees usually get about 12-15 years, we were told if Ben made it to 10 we would be lucky.  
Ben and Moo

Sibling Love

We watched Ben slowly go from our happy-to-bark-at-the-wind dog to our elderly friend who struggled to get up, to walk, to move about the house, to eat, drink......it happened over 4 years time, but it seems like a blink of the eye.  We used to have him groomed at PetSmart every other month, and I remember the last time we took him and they said that they just couldn't do it anymore since he couldn't stand long enough...it was so sad.  We made him as comfortable as we could, added a ramp to the side yard so that he could get outside a little easier, bought extra carpet for our hard wood living room so that he would have a better grip on the floor, tolerated long barking session in the backyard as this was the place that he loved to be the most.  It slowly and painfully became obvious to us that we were holding on the Ben for us, not for him, and that this was no longer fair.

I cried silently the entire ride to the vet's office today.  Jim had to carry Ben's hind quarters as he hobbled into the waiting room, he just didn't have the strength to do it himself.  They placed us in a "quiet room", it was oversized, lots of chairs and a bench, and a big carpet in the middle.  Jim stroked his head and neck; we sat in silence.  What do you really say?  The vet came in and explained what would happen, brought in a blanket that Ben could lay on.  We placed it over the carpet, and I sat next to him on the floor, rubbing his head, telling him it would be alright.  They had trouble finding a vein as he had become dehydrated, and it took 3 needle pricks before they could inset an IV.  We knew the process, we have had 2 cats put down before...but I don't think that there is really anything that prepares you for it....We held him and talked to him until the vet said it was over and left the room....Our sweet Ben, our protector, our fuzzy monster who left us with hair wherever we went.  Jim and I had a running joke from the time that we brought Ben home that wherever we went, a part of Ben went, too, as there was always at least one Ben hair on us somewhere...

Ben was our first baby....our first "we are really in this for the long haul" project....our first learning experience of sleepless nights when there were thunderstorms (he was the biggest baby and always had to come and sleep in our room at the slightest rumble or flash of light)...of "potty training"...of middle of the night ER visits when Ben took Mia's rawhide and was promptly bitten for it....He was a part of the girl's growing up, giving them rides like a little pony...standing in front of the TV at just the wrong time....

The house is very quiet tonight.  Jim and I are rather sullen....the girls are at gymnastics and in the 15 minutes that they were home between school/playground with Becca and changing for class, they didn't notice his absence.  I don't know exactly what I will say to them tonight that will make them understand that he is in a better place, that he doesn't hurt anymore, that while we are sad we can hope that he is running around with Chenna and Moo (or two cats gone before) and barking at squirrels in the trees.  I am sure that it will take awhile for our house to get used to its emptiness, its quietness, its loss of our dear sweet Ben.....